Latest Attempt to Combat Vaping Spreads to Popular MHS A Cappella Group

Recently, Marblehead High School’s co-ed a capella group has been causing some dissonance amongst administrators. The group, which is known for its members’ colorful ties, a yearly rendition of Cecelia, and for being “tied together since 2003,” has come under criticism for inappropriate conduct– more specifically, in relation to vaping.

Maryann Perry, Superintendent of Marblehead Public Schools, has been on a mission to fight against vaping on school property. The use of electronic cigarettes by minors is illegal, so this anti-vape crusade is not only justified but highly necessary. Juuling has become something of an epidemic within Marblehead High School. With the recent addition of vape detectors, the administration is doing everything it can to stem the problem. This is unfortunate news for members of The Jewel Tones– not because they are the problem, but because administrators feel the preeminent a capella group’s name is a dangerously provocative symbol to students in the school.

Superintendent Perry believes that “The Jewel Tones” is a euphemism that encourages underage drug use and juuling amongst Marblehead High School students, as “Jewel” is phonetically identical to popular e-cigarette brand “Juul.” Mr. Scoglio, chorus teacher and faculty advisor of The Jewel Tones, recently requested a bus in order to transport his a capella groups to Chelmsford High School for their guest appearance at the school’s annual “ACA-Pocalypse.” After learning about the field trip, Perry began to ponder the group’s unfortunate name. How are students meant to change their habits when the school practically endorses a singing group with a name that seems to advertise the use of electronic cigarettes? High schoolers are extremely impressionable, and Perry believes that the only way to stop the juuling epidemic is to erase any mention of it whatsoever from the minds of every student in MHS.

Some students have reported being confused by the a capella group’s name. “When that morning announcement kid said ‘The Jewel Tones,’” shared one concerned student, “I thought he was advertising, like, some new pod flavor. I couldn’t understand why the school was trying to sell Juul pods at all three lunches.”

Although Headlight adamantly opposes censorship in any form, we also believe that it is our duty to help serve the school community and decrease the strife that has arisen due to The Jewel Tones’s moniker. As such, here we will provide some alternative names for The Jewel Tones that we believe will not only eliminate the danger it currently provokes but also encourage positive values within the school community.

 

  1. The Gem Tones
  2. The Rare Stones Tones
  3. The Cabochon Tones
  4. The Rare and Overpriced Rocks Tones
  5. The Glorified Chunks of Rock Tones
  6. The Lustrous Mineral Tones
  7. The Cool Tones
  8. The Juuling Isn’t Cool Tones
  9. The Drugs Hurt Your Vocal Chords Tones
  10. The Just Say No Tones
  11. The Don’t Juul in School Tones
  12. The We Don’t Need Drugs To Be Happy Tones

 

Whether or not the administration makes use of our selection of potential new names, Headlight is confident that the decision to change the group’s name will impact the Marblehead High School community for the better. As a MHS junior and Jewel Tones member told us, a cappella can “tear groups apart.” We can only hope that positive change will come quickly, and led by an administration that is doing everything it can to attack the root cause of one of the most problematic epidemics at school, we are confident that it will.

Jillian Lederman

One thought on “Latest Attempt to Combat Vaping Spreads to Popular MHS A Cappella Group”

  1. “High schoolers are extremely impressionable, and Perry believes that the only way to stop the juuling epidemic is to erase any mention of it whatsoever from the minds of every student in MHS.”

    What an embarrassingly simple solution for such a complex, nebulous issue. Why don’t we start mandating Newspeak along with English, too? What’s going to solve the vaping issue is education, not de-education.

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