Music to Awaken Your Zombie-fied Soul

If Mr. Bauer cartwheels with no fans to cheer him on, did he even cartwheel at all? Weren’t not sure, but we do know that when Marblehead school administrators heard of a mental health crisis infiltrating the minds of young people, they resolved to take unconventional action when combatting this parasite clinically known as feeling bummed out. While reasonable proposals to cancel stress-inducing exams or reevaluate taxing schedule changes reached the table of the MHS Social Emotional Learning Committee, this taskforce knew that in order to save young learners’ sanity, they must target the root of all evils: deafening silence in the hallways during passing periods.

When life throws its worst at you, playing Pharell Williams must certainly numb your pain, for the loudspeakers now play the likes of “Happy” during the dash between classes, along with The Killers’ “Mr. Brightside” for students who are quirky and unlike other hallway goers. Kids who previously dragged their way through each school day now feel overjoyed, one going as far as to say that she’s scheduled for mouth surgery to remove the permanent smile slapped on her face through the healing properties of Top 40 on the intercom!

Considering the success of this hallway music program, Headlight felt it was only right to offer nine more tracks for hallway airtime consideration, a thoughtfully designed list we’ve entitled Music to Awaken Your Zombie-fied Soul ❤️😎🖤.

  1. “Baby,” Justin Bieber. Nine out of ten podiatrists say that listening to Bieber’s breakout hit will increase your levels of Serotonin by the same percent of viewers who disliked this song’s music video (12 million thumbs down divided by 2.5 billion views equals… ?) So what if Bieber has been cancelled more times than he sings the word “baby” throughout this nauseating tune? At least listening to his high-pitched voice will remind us of simpler times before puberty-induced teenage angst!
  2. “Everything is Awesome,” Tegan And Sarah. Think back to 2014. Better days, right? This song, popularized by the enormously popular The LEGO Movie, might be able to bring you back to a time long past. If you happened to be obsessed with LEGOs at any point in your life like me, just imagining Chris Pratt animated as a minifigure brings you joy. Who wants to think about their next physics test or history presentation when you can reminisce about the years when the only thing anyone worried about was playing Four-Square at the Village School? Although everything may not be awesome as of now, the beautifully poetic – even tear-inducing – lyrics of this hit may be able to convince you otherwise.
  3. “Imagine,” Delusional celebrities. Remember when experts made a major breakthrough for the COVID-19 recovery process back in 2020? No, we’re not talking about when Moderna or Pfizer developed a vaccine! We’re referring to the assortment of celebrities who cured Coronavirus by putting together a karaoke video to John Lennon’s “Imagine!” It’s too bad that, over the loudspeaker, we won’t be able to enjoy these C-listers’ Cheshire grins as they look close to eating each viewer (conspiracy theory: celebrities popularized sourdough starters as a means of fattening up common folk so that we had no more room to eat the rich?). At least there are rumors that Jimmy Fallon called in Mr. Giardi to record his whistle tones on the track, so the song is certainly not on the B-Side of this playlist.
  4. Anything (literally), Nicki Minaj. Maybe you wouldn’t classify yourself as a Barb. Maybe you don’t even know what the Barbz are. Whatever your current standing, it’s undeniable that listening to any of Nicki Minaj’s top hits will give you a boost of confidence as you walk up three flights of stairs to English. Unfortunately, many of the icon’s songs are decidedly inappropriate for school, so some censoring may be necessary—though you probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference with the current loudspeaker audio quality.
  5. “Be Happy,” Dixie D’Amelio. “Sometimes I don’t wanna be happy” preaches D’Amelio, producing a prophetic anthem that one MHS football player swears has changed the way he runs his routes (and inspired his sultry touchdown dance). In order to improve students’ mental health, we must acknowledge that all emotions are valid, and no one normalizes the omnipresent feeling of darkness more than Miss Dino Nugget Lover herself.
  6. “Never Gonna Give You Up,” Rick Astley. “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…”—is there anything more heartwarming to hear at 8AM than these words? Not only is this retro jam danceable, it also holds a special place in everyone’s hearts due to its “rickrolling” history. If the school administration does move forward with this fine list and opt to play Astley’s top hit, this moment will certainly go down in history as one of the biggest rickrolls of all time. And do we need any better reason than that to play it?
  7. Rainforest Cafe Soundtrack, Various gorillas. Have you ever gone on safari at the Burlington Mall, eating fried food under the trunk of an animatronic elephant all while a gorilla with red glowing eyes hoots at a child sobbing nearby? High school certainly is a jungle, so with a generous donation from the PCO, we were able to purchase the license for this fine dining establishment’s musical catalogue! The MHS Wellness Department even endorses this rainforest soundtrack as a source of mindfulness, citing a recent Harvard study which suggests that those who meditate everyday to a mix of chimpanzee shrieks and harmonious sloth snores will active a nerve in their left calf muscle that wills them to receive an alert for a COVID vaccine appointment. Who knew?
  8. The FitnessGram Pacer Test, Satan. You’re probably wondering why in the world we would include this on our list. Believe it or not, we think this would be a great choice for the daily ambles of the school day. Maybe you need an extra boost of adrenaline to make it from bio to history. What would work better than the ever-increasing tempo and traumatic flashback-inducing beeps of the Pacer Test?
  9. “Marblehead Forever,” Marcia Marten Selman. How could we publish this list without the official Town Anthem? Written in 1887, it’s a rite of passage that any elementary school age child in Marblehead learns this historical – yet strangely catchy – tune. And where better to put your singing skills to use than in the hallways of little old MHS? Catch us belting out the chorus at every passing time.
Sophie Hauck

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