It’s a dire time for everyday Americans. Young people are increasingly irreverent, disillusioned with the values that this nation holds dear. In class, many students refuse to pledge allegiance to our flag. On the field, many kneel in flagrant disrespect of our national anthem. What happened to the flag-waving, tailgating, all-American fervor that marked youth of previous decades?
The youth are spineless and endlessly sensitive. In the forties and fifties or the seventies and eighties, one didn’t post about one’s feelings online. No, one practiced emotional temperance, instead forcing any sadness into the darkest corners of one’s brain. If the youth were really good at suppressing their feelings, they destroyed their families with decades of self medication like real men. Today’s ‘guys’ have no such courage.
Millennials and Generation Zers even think it inappropriate to harass retail workers. Apparently, it’s impolite to degrade people in the service industry, as if getting yelled at never improved moral character. I, for one, possess a spine. If provided with cold McDonald’s fries, I will summon my viking heritage and yell like a berserker. No, scratch that, I will yell like an American.
No symptom is more indicative of American decline than the obscene rejection of traditional Thanksgiving food. When I see a group of young people profaning themselves with meatless turkey alternatives, I weep for George Washington’s ideal of civic virtue. If we don’t consume the flesh of pathetic, nearly flightless birds, how will we assert our dominance on the world’s stage? Every time a Californian goes vegan, the Rockies quiver, and the Alleghenies roil beneath their stone foundations. Global warming? What about global shaming? It’s time to shape up, America.
Young Americans have given in, not only to Satan’s temptress, tofurkey, but also to vegetables with flavor. They consume an exotic menagerie: avocadoes, kale, and even bok choy. As opposed to the boiled nothing of our beloved ancestors, Millennials season vegetables! And Gen Zers are next. Imagine, dear readers, the foul odors of cayenne and sesame rising from the table like a cohort of the dead. Imagine an herbaceous miasma, carrying yuppie pestilence to the innocents. This is what Snapstagram does to people. This is what it does to our children.