NOTE: This column is for COMEDIC ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES only. It’s anonymous authors are NOT certified or qualified in any way to give emotional advice. If you are seeking advice on any real-life issues, consult a friend, family member, school social worker, or another trusted individual.
Dear Happy,
I’m in crisis! I invited my girlfriend over for dinner on Valentine’s Day, but I can’t even cook. I burn everything. I once microwaved Annie’s Mac & Cheese with a spoon and exploded the microwave. It gave me a scar! What should I do?
Sincerely,
Hungry Like An Oaf
Dear Hungry,
While your romantic gesture is kind, it’s a terrible idea. While your girlfriend would probably appreciate a meal you cooked for her, she’d appreciate not having to take you to the emergency room even more. Consider some no-bake treats such as caprese salad for dinner and an icebox cake for dessert. Or, better yet, consider take out. Maybe you can treat yourself to some cooking lessons and next year you can wow her with your skills. Until then, just try not to hurt yourself again!
Stay in one piece!
Happy Hart
Dear Ms. Hart,
I’m in trouble. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, but I want out. He’s emotionally distant, and he always insults my furby collection. I’m hoping to let him down gently, but that’ll be hard with Valentine’s Day coming up. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Get Me Out
Dear Get Me Out,
If you don’t want to break up with him, just make him break up with you! All you need to do is develop a passion for obscure woodwind instruments and play them loudly whenever you are together. Additionally, you may want to consider temporarily adopting an onion and garlic rich diet. This will make your breath take on such an appalling odor that he’ll never want to kiss you again.
Finally, turn on “Send Read Receipts,” read all the texts he sends you, but never respond. This, being one of the most annoying human behaviors, will cause him to dump you promptly.
Good luck!
Happy Hart
Dear Happy Hart,
I really like this girl in my class, but I find it very hard to get her attention. I tried saying hello and a quick compliment, but conversation never lasts more than a few seconds, and she soon forgets about me. Sometimes, I feel invisible. How can I get her to notice me?
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man
Dear Invisible Man,
Since small talk and small compliments are not working, you need to go bigger, much bigger. You could amp it up and give her flowers, but even that might not be big enough. Our best advice would be channel your inner Heath Ledger and pay off the school marching band to serenade her while you commandeer the school intercom and profess your love to her. It’s risky, but it’s worked before, in a movie. And if you see it one the big screen, it has to be a plausible solution, right?
Hope it works out!
Happy Hart