Benji Boyd, Sophomore
ASSISTANT EDITOR
When I was little, I loved Disney movies. I loved the songs, the lighthearted stories, and the beautiful outfits the princesses wore. My parents took me to a tea house in Wenham, where actors dressed up as Disney princesses would read books to lots of little kids and answer questions about themselves. What’s your favorite color? Do you live in a castle? Do you ever miss being a mermaid? How did no one in the whole kingdom have the same size shoe as you?
Looking back now that I’m older and wiser, I realize how sick Disney Princess Tea Time really was. To expose children, young children, to fully grown adults dressed in colorful extravagant costumes, faces full of makeup, portraying a character they’re not, is downright abusive. In fact, it should be banned.
Thankfully, I never succumbed to the brainwashing. I’m one of the lucky ones – had those princesses gotten their hands on me one more time, I might be eating poison apples and kissing frogs instead of writing this article. I made it out, and I’m here to warn everyone that these practices must be banned.
Tennessee has already taken action against these paedophilic princesses by banning them altogether. These efforts will surely result in lower statistics of children wanting to be princesses, because everyone knows that telling children something is bad will make them want it less. However, in states where this is still allowed, kids are still being groomed to be graceful, kind, and respectful to animals. Disgusting.
On top of Princess Tea Times, Tennessee has also outlawed princess performances for adults. After all, just because one is old enough to vote doesn’t mean they can choose how to use their free time. Lawmakers know that some ideas are simply too dangerous to allow to exist, even here in the land of the free. If people who dress like fictional princesses are allowed to provide entertainment for the general public, soon everyone will be thinking they’re royalty!
Hopefully, soon the rest of the country will begin to realize what a threat these princesses truly are when they start seeing tiaras in the workplace, or heaven forbid, the schools!
While we wait for our legislators to catch up, several anti-princess groups have bravely taken matters into their own hands. Recently, a Princess Tea Time was shut down when armed men dressed in tactical gear barged into the teahouse, scattering the children and ripping the tiaras from the princesses’ heads. Sure, the children present might have thought they were having fun reading books and singing songs. And sure, that incident might have traumatized them at the moment. But in the long run, they’ll be glad they have good, strong, role models like men with guns, rather than wolves in glass slippers.
The truth is, our country was founded as a democracy, so being a princess is frankly un-American. Our job as citizens is to protect our children from books, media, and entertainment that might give them ideas that don’t match the perfectly good ones we already have. Take my story as a warning: if I had listened to Belle and Rapunzel much longer, I might be telling people to read as much as they can and form their own opinions, or that it’s okay to not agree with everything you’ve been told. But thankfully I managed to keep my thoughts untainted by the Princess Agenda, and I suggest taking the same measures for your kids.
Children are too young to understand what a negative influence princesses have on their minds, so it’s our job to warn them. After all, if you grow up wanting to be a princess, one day you might want to be a Queen. And then what would we be? A society that values expression and individuality, that acknowledges that not everything that looks unorthodox is inherently sexual or corrupting, and honestly values the safety and education of children over personal agendas? And that my fellow Americans, is the true Princess Agenda.